Emotionally Strong Couples: The 9 Questions They Ask

Aristotle believed “the beginning of wisdom is the definition of terms”. Imagine obtaining an education without a dictionary. Love articulates clearly through vulnerability and echoes perfectly through action. 

Speaking of our day, in the second book of Nephi we read that Satan “shall rage in the hearts of…men”. In Matthew we are told “And because iniquity shall abound , the love of many shall wax cold”. 

We are hurt most by those we love most. We hurt most, those who love us most. This, unfortunately is common, but nonetheless true. 

Newton’s third law of motion states that to every action there must be an equal and opposite reaction. This means, in love, that it is possible, if we are not diligently mindful our love can become our hate. Besties can become Worsties. Companionship can become loneliness. Soft hearts can become equally as harden as they once were soft and the soothing sounds of our chosen love can echo the sounds of silence to deafening decibels of the muted words of our partner.

Of the many pains Martin Luther King, Jr suffered he noted wholeheartedly that “it is not the words of our enemies that we will remember, but the silence of our friends”.

How can we be more true to our most important relationship? First, let’s define some terminology to make sure we are speaking the same language. 


A feeling of approval and understanding and of being received willingly and favorably. When a person is being supported and loved as a worthwhile person, without doing anything, this is primary love. When he or she is wanted, loved, understood, and spent time with, this is true love. 


A sense of having a close or intimate relationship; of being a team, attached or being together by allegiance to a healthy and nurturing dependency on each other, and feeling like you matter and are cared for. 


You receive assistance, support and consolation in times of trouble, and are offered strength and hope, love and compassion. 


You feel safe from hurt, injury or loss, and shielded against the uncertainties of the world. you have a safe haven or port out of the storm. 

Christ admonishes each of us to be as a little child. “Like children, adults have an innate desire to connect emotionally with others. Our brains are wired for attachment. We need each other. Our attachment needs can be described by 9 simple questions.” Dr. Chidester, Phd.

9 Questions

  1. Will you be there for me when I need you the most?
  2. Will you stay close to me?
  3. Will you value me and accept me even with my imperfections?
  4. Do I matter to you?
  5. Am I a priority in your life?
  6. Do you need me?
  7. Are you aware of my presence?
  8. Will you hear me and respect what I am saying?
  9. Will you help me to feel safe by caring about my feelings, hurts and needs?